Please tell me what you think of my short story, i have posted it before but have changes a few things.?
It is a normal spring day, and I decide to have my lunch break in the local park, the weather is good, warm enough for summer clothes, yet not hot enough to complain about.
I sit on a bench under the shade of a tree, the wind blowing through the tree causing shadows to dance on the well-maintained lawn. The park is a hive of activity today, an assortment of people, professions and past times. A man walks past me in his well pressed business suit, he is not much younger than me, he is talking on his mobile phone, a little to loudly than necessary, trying to sound important to those in earshot of him, or trying to sound important to himself.
An elderly couple is sat on a picnic blanket on the lawn, their silver hair shining in the afternoon sun, homemade sandwiches and cakes in brown paper bags, their faces are content, yet their eyes tell a different story, for after a life time of love, sharing and companionship, should one of them pass, the other would be truly alone.
A young female runner runs past them, her toned body a billboard for her generation, her even strides cushioned by the latest running shoes and designer sunglasses to block out the sun. Tight fitting running clothes, to either enhance her performance, or to leave those who look at her an object of desire, sexual and envious, covers her body.
She runs past a group of teenage school kids, as she passes the boys they mimic the bounce of her breasts with their hands, much to the annoyance of the girls who roll there eyes.
A young couple walk past hand in hand, smiles on their faces as they watch their young toddler kick a bright orange ball, he squeals with delight, his rosy cheeks and innocent eyes oblivious to the hardships he will one day face, but for now he is content will sugar coated treats and colourful images on the T.V.
A small bird takes my attention, a sparrow I think, he is doing a little hop type of dance in front of a cluster of bushes, he then darts into them, coming out with a small bug in his beak, he then flies up into a tree, He returns moments later to do the same thing again.
Yet the more I watch his antics the more I wonder about him.
I wonder if he is feeding his young, is this instinct that drives him to do this, or is it a parental love? Will he get frustrated if he cannot get enough food?
Will his little heart swell with pride when his young take flight for the first time? Does he know of love? Does his heart skip a beat when he sees his mate? Or will it break when one day she does not return? Does he know of fear? Will he cower in the treetops when a storm comes crashing down upon him? Does he know of racism? Do other birds treat him unkind because he is not the same breed as they? Does he know of joy? Will he sing that little bit better when the sun is shinning on a clear day? Does he know of God and the creation? Is he aware of me as i am of him, and knows of man, war and death?
If he is aware of all of these then I feel sorry for him, for why should he suffer the folly’s of man, and yet if he is not aware I am equally sorry for him for the wonder of life is a thing to behold and the joy and sorrow it brings is a thing to be shared by all
This is a good short story, You have painted a picture for the reader & the ending is truly heartfelt & holds much depth. However, there are a few spelling & punctuation errors. Colourful is spelled as….colorful. After the sentence.."I wonder if he is feeding his young, is this instinct that drives him to do this, or is it a parental love?" If you broke that up into 2 sentences the first would end in a period & the 2nd portion or sentence would end in a question mark. Otherwise, there is no question mark here…this is your statement & not an actual question so this sentence should end in a period. The same paragraph you have referred to yourself as i instead of I in a capital letter. Also breaking up the initial description of the runner into 2 sentences could give your reader a better understanding & a more descriptive look at her. As it’s read now leads to some light confusion. Always remember that writing a story should paint a picture in the minds eye of your readers as if we are watching a movie & should not be difficult to read to the extent that the reader needs to read the same sentence over in an effort to understand what you the author is attempting to portray. Make the necessary changes & you have yourself a very nice short story. Good job!!
Comments
Wow, im impressed, i really did not expect much, a lot of what gets posted here ends up being garbage, but this is really good. Very good use of description, you paint the picture without going overboard with unnecessary details. Plus it is an intelligent piece of work, not the superficial crap people expect a pat on the back for
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This is a good short story, You have painted a picture for the reader & the ending is truly heartfelt & holds much depth. However, there are a few spelling & punctuation errors. Colourful is spelled as….colorful. After the sentence.."I wonder if he is feeding his young, is this instinct that drives him to do this, or is it a parental love?" If you broke that up into 2 sentences the first would end in a period & the 2nd portion or sentence would end in a question mark. Otherwise, there is no question mark here…this is your statement & not an actual question so this sentence should end in a period. The same paragraph you have referred to yourself as i instead of I in a capital letter. Also breaking up the initial description of the runner into 2 sentences could give your reader a better understanding & a more descriptive look at her. As it’s read now leads to some light confusion. Always remember that writing a story should paint a picture in the minds eye of your readers as if we are watching a movie & should not be difficult to read to the extent that the reader needs to read the same sentence over in an effort to understand what you the author is attempting to portray. Make the necessary changes & you have yourself a very nice short story. Good job!!
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August 1st, 2009 at 2:48 am
This really isn’t so much of a short story as it is an essay, and a good one, too! Keep it up!
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